“Are these vampire teeth real?”

For the last three nights leading up to Halloween, I worked at a costume center. As my wife had been the prime procurer of our children’s holiday wear, this locale was new to me.

It was fun.
It was crazy.
It was odd.

Oddity broke new ground when a man in his forties approached me and asked,

“Are these male or female vampire fangs?”

“I’m sorry?”

“These fangs look feminine; do you sell men’s fangs?”

“We have adult and child, but not male or female.”

“Really, because they look like ladies’ fangs, don’t they.”

“No, I think a fang is a fang. Besides I think Anne Rice would tell you a vampire is androgynous.”

“What?”

“Those fangs are good, sir.”

I went back to the world of wigs and masks, no real questions other than, “Can I see that?” When another man this one in his thirties asked, “Are these vampire teeth real?”

“Yes, they are a hard type.”

“No, I mean are they authentic?”

At this point I was speechless. I have never been speechless in my life. I talk in my sleep… finally after staring into the man’s eyes looking for the hidden camera, I asked,

“How can I help you sir?”

“Are these teeth like the real vampire’s teeth?”

All I could muster was a weak, “Yes.”


Then this morning, as if the god of the undead had seen my plight, an article appeared in the Sunday paper. It was an interview with the aforementioned Anne Rice. To a question about people’s concerns over the portrayal of vampires in works such as Twilight and True Blood, she responded,

“I say, ‘Are you kidding? Vampires aren’t real. Keep that in mind.’”

Thanks Anne, I think from time to time it is important to remember this: Vampires are not real. Now, on the other hand, werewolves…