The Excel Explosion of '08

"How can I be of service to you?" --President Josiah Bartlet, The West Wing, "War Crimes"

"Let me help." --Edith Keeler, Star Trek, "The City on the Edge of Forever"

Many years ago, my wife and I stayed in the apartment of an engaged couple. They were preparing for a family luncheon the next day. The future bride was making almond crescent cookies. She was grinding both almond and fresh vanilla beans with a mortar and pestle. Her fiance approached and said, reaching for the mortar, "Let me do that." His manner and tone were of someone trying to offer help. The fight that followed had my wife and I attempting to climb out the apartment window, ignoring the fact that we were on the 14th floor.

He was trying to say, "Is there anything I can do to help?"

She heard, "You’re doing that wrong, Let me do it!"

They wanted our opinion of the situation. Unable or unwilling to plummet onto the streets of Baltimore, we answered honestly. "It sounded like the groom was just looking to lend a hand.” Next month, they will be married 20 years, and there is physical evidence of at least two attempts at procreation following the Crescent Cookie Catastrophe of 1987. So clearly the event did not have any lasting effect on their relationship. It is, however, worth noting that we have never been invited to their home again. Thank God!

Having been raised to always offer help, I have always tried to be available to friend or stranger alike. Since CCC87, I have always made a point to phrase my offer as delicately as possible. “Is there some way I can help you?" "How may I be of service to you?" Yesterday, I e-mailed an Excel chart I had created with some information to one of my dearest friends. The content of the chart was not important; the formatting is the point. I love Excel, I use Excel, when people have questions about Excel they call me. Several minutes later my friend sent me a reformatted chart. This was the note that was attached. "It pains me to see someone struggling with Excel. Feel free to use the attached."

Struggling? Struggling?! I was enraged. It was the crescent cookies all over again. Then I opened the chart saw the improvements and "reread" the note as "If you want to learn these features, let me help."

I emailed and asked if we could get together for a refresher.


For my entire life I have thought that it was the offering help that was important. I have just realized it is accepting help or the ability to ask for assistance that is the real effort. The almond cookies, incidentally, were great. My wife has made them many times over the years using the bride's recipe. And I have never offered to help.