"Hey, I'm in someone's car, can I call you back?” I was impressed. Teenage girls normally don't end a call out of courtesy.
I said, "That was very nice." I looked in the mirror to see which "young lady" had just earned my respect. All I saw was the top of six heads. They were all talking, laughing, telling three different stories simultaneously, yet all six were texting on their cell phones.
We have three children, ages 14 to 20. They are texting almost around the clock. I rarely see or hear them on a phone call. When a mass texting effort to make weekend plans is underway, I always ask, "Why don't you just call?" I am rebuffed with that look that every new generation gives to an older one who is clearly out of touch. "Nobody picks up their phone!"
It would be very easy to discuss this modern phenomenon from a number of different perspectives. My take on this may be unique, but I believe it should be addressed.
Most of my television watching is of channels that start with words like, History, Science and Discovery. Through this viewing it has become very clear to me that the 5,000 years of human history would never have occurred without the biological advantage of opposable thumbs.
What will become of our children, of our future, of our very civilization when our thumbs become arthritic, paralyzed or even fall off from all this texting? Forget asteroids, global warming, pollution I am really concerned about pollex damnum, thumb loss.
The number of things that would simply disappear is staggering. Most sports would be gone. Except baseball, whose fans are rabid. They would insist that "America's Pastime" continue in any form it could. So instead of a three-and-a-half hour game, you would be forced to watch 18 hour games. The pitchers would attempt to control the ball, while the batter would drop the bat after every swing. Still, the stands would be filled with insane fans debating which Hall of Famer would have been the best without his thumbs.
"Mays!"
"Mantle!"
"Are you kidding? You could have tied Mays' thumbs down and his batting average wouldn't have suffered."
"Mantle already played without knees. No thumbs would be no problem."
What about politicians--how would they let us know things were going well? No more thumbs-up. Would all public officials be forced you use Richard Nixon's arms-up "V-for-victory" move? I would be afraid to conjure up that image. Thank God the Roman Empire fell. The Coliseum would be filled with gladiators waiting for a decision from the emperor that never came.
Another fear comes from the Sci-Fi Channel. Conquest of The Planet Of The Apes tells of a virus that kills all the cats and dogs. Man, missing his pets, brings apes into the home. Soon their intelligence and use of opposable thumbs turns them from pets to servants. I think we know what happened next. A warning to the thumbless future. Apes, not the best choice.
I have spent most of the morning trying to do things without my thumbs; it is nearly impossible. It is always years later that we find out the damage we have done in our present, to our world and ourselves. It should be noted that since this fear began, I have started changing the channels on my remote with my index finger.
I have plans on starting a prosthetic thumb company. I really believe it is going to be a sound business decision.
So again to our children, "make a call!" To our future, remember: "No Apes!" If dogs and cats disappeared, I'd choose a wombat. They do this weird running in a figure 8, while looking for a mate. I watch Animal Planet too.
2 comments:
Stan Musial. No doubt about it. His corkscrew batting stance would have been perfectly adaptable to thumbless play.
I like the point about baseball. So let's say there's a first baseman with great career numbers who's likely headed to the Hall of Fame.
Since the batters have no thumbs, they can't generate enough control or power on the swing to manage anything more than a swinging bunt or weak grounder. And because this first baseman has no thumbs, he can't seem to close the glove around the ball.
Now it's a very high profile game--let's say what could turn out to be the final game of the World Series. So the thumbless batter naturally hits a slow roller to first. But having no thumbs, the potential HOF first baseman can't seem to close the glove around the ball, which goes right between his legs as the winning run scores easily from third.
An "all-thumbs" blunder by a thumbless first baseman costs his team its best chance at winning the Series in seven decades, and along with it his own chance to make the Hall of Fame.
Sure, all this thumbless talk is just theory. But methinks something crazy like this is bound to happen someday, if I live long enough to see it.
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